Red-Hot
Summer Jokes
Q:
What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day?
A: I'm bacon!
*
Girls are time and money: girls = time * money;
but, time is money: time = money;
which implies: girls = money * money;
which implies: girls = money^2;
but, money is the root of all evil: money = (all evil) ^1/2;
which implies: money^2 = all evil;
therefore, all girls are evil: girls = all evil.
*
Major Premise: Power corrupts;
Minor Premise: Knowledge is power;
Conclusion: Knowledge corrupts.
*
Smart man + smart woman = romance;
Smart man + dumb woman = affair;
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage;
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy.
*
One sodium atom says "oh no! I think I lost an electron", another
atom asks "are you sure?", "Yeah! I'm positive".
*
Abraham Lincoln was accused of being two~faced. Lincoln replied, “If I
had two faces, do you think this is the one I’d be wearing?”
*
President John Kennedy once read a fake telegram from his rich father, "Jack,
Don't spend one dime more than is necessary. I'll be damned if I am going to
pay for a landslide." This effectively stole the power of the accusation
that his campaign was largely financed by his father.
*
Ronald Reagan’s most powerful tool was his self~deprecating humor. When
his advanced age was used against him by Senator Mondale during the 1984 campaign,
intentionally misunderstanding he quipped, "I will not make age an issue
of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent's
youth and inexperience."
*
Q: What is black and white and read (red) all over?
A1: A newspaper. (The oldest and most common answer, because red is also the
pronunciation of read; this class of joke works only when spoken aloud so that
which homophone is meant is misconstrued because of the inclusion of other colors.
This is also related to Word play.)
A2: An embarrassed zebra. (This is funny primarily because most people are familiar
with the older joke and expect the interpretation to be "read" rather
than "red." See Why did the chicken cross the road? elsewhere on this
page for more instances of the same phenomenon.)
A3: A bloody skunk. (A penguin, a nun, or any likely wearer of a tuxedo can
also be used in place of a skunk. Also "sunburnt" can be used in place
of "bloody.")
A4: A nun/penguin/business man in a blender.
A5: Two nuns/penguins/business men having a chainsaw fight.
A6: A nun/penguin/business man rolling down a hill.
...and
so on.
* Q: How do lamps communicate?
A: Lampost
*Will you remember me in an hour?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a day?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a month?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a year?
Yes.
I think you won't.
Yes, I will.
Knock knock
Who's there?
See? You've forgotten me already!
* Q: Is it true that half of the Central Committee of the Communist Party are
idiots?
A: It is not true. Half of them are not idiots.
*
Part one Q: How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?
A: Open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.
Part two Q: How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?
A: Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door.
Part three Q: The lion, king of the jungle calls a conference in the forest.
Which animal is not present?
A: The giraffe: it is in the fridge where you left it.
Part four Q: Two explorers are crossing a crocodile~infested swamp. How do they
get across safely?
A: The crocodiles are at the conference in the forest.
*Person
1: My dog has got no nose
Person 2: How does he smell?
Person 1: Awful.
*Person 1: Did you hear about that actress who got stabbed? Reese... Reese something.
Person 2: Witherspoon?
Person 1: No, with her knife.
* Person 1: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
Person 2: Sure.
Person 1: I fell in the mud.
*
Summer Retreat ~ A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year
to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite
one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two. One summer he
invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything
free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful
time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors. One morning,
as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries
for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears~~a male and a female.
The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not
so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. Seeing this, the
lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local
sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high~powered rifle and raced back to the berry
area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from
his friend's family. He just had to save his friend. Luckily, the bears were
still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the
male. The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and
shot the female. "What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer,
"I said he was in the other bear!" "Exactly," replied the
sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in
the male?"
*
On a cheerful summer holiday weekend a man walks into the butcher shop that
has a sign in the window saying "Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound."
"I'm having a cookout this weekend," the man says, "and I'd like
5 pounds of your ground sirloin, please."
The butcher shakes his head and says, "Sorry. I'm all out."
The disappointed man goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks,
"How much is your ground sirloin?"
"It's $3.29 per pound."
"Three twenty nine?" exclaims the man. "Just up the street they
are selling it for 29 cents!"
The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, "Does he have any?"
"No. He's out of it right now."
"Well," says the butcher, "When I don't have any, I can also
sell it for 19 cents per pound!"
Q: A child, an honest politician, and Santa Claus all spot a $20 bill on the
ground. Who picks it up?
A: The child. The other two don't exist.
* A couple are touring a graveyard when they spot a tombstone that reads "Here
lies a politician and an honest man." The man says to the woman, "Look
honey, there's two people in that grave."
*
You're sitting in your riverfront office one day, when you see a lawyer and
an IRS agent drowning. You can only save one of them. Do you (a) read the paper,
or (b) go to lunch?
*
One day <President> went to see a fortune teller, and asked him, "When
will I die?". The fortune teller said ,"On an <Other country>'s
holiday". <President> asked, "Which one?" The fortune teller
said, "It doesn't matter, any day you die will be made into a new <Other
country>'s holiday."
*
A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American.
"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them,
white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."
The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"
*
Five Needs for a Great Relationship: 1. It is important that a man helps you
around the house and has a job. 2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you. 4.
It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you. 5. It
is important that these four men don't know each other.
*
The Widow : A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was determined to keep the ranch but knew very little about ranching, so
she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
*
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought
long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the
gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around than the drunk.
*
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot
about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing
very well.
*
Then one day, the widow said to the hired hand, "You've done a really good
job and the ranch looks great. Go into town and kick up your heels." The
hired hand readily agreed and went into town the next Saturday night. However,
one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned
around two~thirty and found the widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly
called him over to her.
*
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did
as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly. "Now
take off my socks." He did. "Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." He did as he was told. "Now," she
said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and off.
Then
she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again."
~~
*
Sick Day Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse.
The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing the sick~leave provisions
set out by their contract.
One
morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the
morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called
in sick yesterday!"
There
on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just
won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
A
union negotiator broke the silence in the room.
"Wow!"
he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't
been sick!"
~~
*
Zen and Contemporary Wisdom 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do
not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just
leave me the hell alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken
fan belt and a leaky tire. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're
going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Always
remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 5. Never test the depth of
the water with both feet. 6. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try
missing a couple of car payments. 7. Before you criticize someone, you should
walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile
away and you have their shoes. 8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is
not for you. 9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day. 10. If you lend someone
$20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 11. If you tell
the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 12. Some days you are the bug,
some days you are the windshield. 13. Good judgment comes from bad experience,
and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 14. The quickest way to double your
money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 15. A closed mouth
gathers no foot. 16. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side a dark
side, and it holds the universe together. 17. There are two theories to arguing
with women. Neither one works. 18. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much
when your lips are moving. 19. Experience is something you don't get until just
after you need it. 20. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
~~
*
Irishmen Dave and Terence were walking home from town after a night on the piss.
They had no money to get a taxi and were staggering all over the place when
they found themselves outside the bus depot on Cunningham Road. Dave had a brainwave
and said to Terence "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home
and I'll stay out here and look out for the police".
So
Terence breaks into the garage and was gone for twenty minutes while Dave was
wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Dave sticks his head around the
door and sees Terence running from bus to bus and looking very worried. "What
the bleedin' hell are you doing Terry, get a move on!" Terence replies
"I can't find a number 67 anywhere Dave" whereupon Dave, holding his
hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "You ****ing idiot Terry, steal
a number 25 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!"
~~
*
Frog : A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were too expensive. She told
the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well,"
said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say this breed has
been trained to give blowjobs!" „Blowjobs!" the woman replied.
"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more
blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.
When
she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and
laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to
perform this act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the
noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing
sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the
frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she
asked. The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass
is gone.‰
~~
WHY
WE LOVE CHILDREN
A
small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.... "Da~ad...."
"What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No.
You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da~aaaad....."
"WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I
told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes
later...... "Daaaa~aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come
in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?" ________________________________________________
One
summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her son
into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in
his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The
mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said.
"I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A
long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
_________________________________________________
It
was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a
particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The
little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip~on microphone, "Yes,
and my Mom says it's a b*tch to iron." _______________________________
A
little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five,
that son of a b*tch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a b*tch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?!"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And
this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes,"
he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What
are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now,
we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching
them to say, 'Two plus two, that son of a b*tch is four'?!?" After the
teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, ŒTwo
plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four." _________________________________________________
One
day a teacher read the story "Chicken Little" to her class. She came
to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She
read,
".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is
falling, the sky is falling!'"
The
teacher paused, then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer
said?"
One
little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A talking
chicken!'" _____________________________________________________________
A Study of Women Found A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face
a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual
cycle.
For
instance: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine
features; and if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a
man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass.
World's Funniest Joke By Corey Ullman LONDON (Reuters) ~ After a year of painstaking
scientific research, the world's funniest joke was revealed on Thursday.
In
a project described as the largest~ever scientific study into humor, the British
Association for the Advancement of Science ( news ~ web sites) asked Internet
users around the world to submit their favorite jokes and rate the funniness
of other people's offerings.
More
than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries and two million critiques later, this is
it:
"Two
hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to
be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and
calls emergency services.
He
gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator,
in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's
make sure he's dead."
Silence,
then a shot is heard.
Back
on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"
Researchers
found significant differences between nations in the types of jokes they found
funny.
People
from the UK, the Republic of Ireland, Australia and New Zealand Preferred gags
involving word play, such as:
PATIENT:
"Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum." DOCTOR: "I've
got some cream for that."
Americans
and Canadians favored jokes where people were made to look stupid.
TEXAN:
"Where are you from?" HARVARD GRAD: "Harvard ~~ where we do not
end our sentences with prepositions." TEXAN: "OK ~~ where are you
from, asshole?"
Meanwhile,
many Europeans liked gags that were surreal or made light of Serious subjects
such as illness, death and marriage:
A
patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having
dinner
with my mother~in~law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?'
"But
instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."'
Marriage~mocking
also featured in the top American joke:
"A
man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip
onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the
course. "He stops in mid~swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes,
and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and
touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'
"The
man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."'
Death
earned big laughs in Scotland:
"I
want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror
like his passengers."
And
animals figured prominently. Take the number one joke in England: "Two
weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams,
'I slept with your mother!' "The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to
see what the other weasel will do. "The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH
YOUR MOTHER!' "The other says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk."' The survey
revealed other fun facts:
~~
Of the countries rating the highest number of jokes, Germans, perhaps surprisingly,
laughed the most. Canadians laughed least.
~~
If you want to tell a funny animal joke, make it a duck.
~~
The most frequently submitted joke, at 300 times, was: "What's brown and
sticky? A stick."
Researchers
said no one ever found it funny.
Birthdays
of Unimportant People
*
Jun.7th... Carlos Jeromack ~ Inventor of the cardboard man hole cover.
*
Nov.23rd...Gloria Wouwerman ~ Last woman to board a lifeboat on the Titanic,
before it sailed.
*
Mar.13th...Isaac Grimaldi ~ Opened the first Kosher restaurant in Saudi Arabia.
*
Dec.3rd...Jacques Q. Moed ~ Paid $6.4 million at Christie's auction for the
original Cinderella slipper (autographed by her stepmother).
*
Apr.25th...Helen Bardot ~ Made millions by adding numbers to alphabet soup recipe.
*
July 5th...Gerard K. Nerney Jr. ~ Sued 'K~Mart' claiming they used his middle
initial without his authorization (settled for $1.49).
*
Oct.18th...Rodrigo Keller ~ Patented the first contact lens for seeing~eye dogs.
*
Jan.30th...Jessica Rolex ~ Developed soundless wind chimes.
*
Aug.2nd...Rev.Francis Goldblum ~ Proposed that 'death by stoning' become an
alternative to the electric chair or lethal injections...hey it's biblical.
*
May 22nd...Sherry Sugarman ~ Successfully marketed recycled pixels to third
world countries.
*
Sept.9th...Dr.Vinton Fiorina ~ Locates surplus mother's milk for needy infants
in large families.
Go
Page Up...
Umbriferous
Summer Quotations
One
swallow does not make a summer.
~ Aristotle
(Nichomachean Ethics)
Ah,
summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.
~ Russel Baker
In
the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible
summer.
~ Albert Camus
There shall be eternal summer in the grateful heart.
~ Celia Thaxter
Summer afternoon - Summer afternoon...
the two most beautiful words in the English language.
~ Henry James
The tendinous part of the mind, so to speak,
is more developed in winter; the fleshy, in summer.
I should say winter had given the bone and sinew to literature,
summer the tissues and the blood.
~ John Burroughs
(The Snow-Walkers)
The summer night is like a perfection of thought.
~ Wallace Stevens
In summer, the song sings itself.
~ William Carlos Williams
The serene philosophy of the pink rose is steadying. Its fragrant, delicate
petals
open fully and are ready to fall, without regret or disillusion, after only
a day
in the sun. It is so every summer. One can almost hear their pink, fragrant
murmur as they settle down upon the grass:
'Summer, summer, it will always be summer.'
~ Rachel Peden
I walk without flinching through the burning cathedral of the summer.
My bank of wild grass is majestic and full of music. It is a fire that
solitude presses against my lips.
~ Violette Leduc (Mad in Pursuit)
If
a June night could talk,
it would probably boast it invented romance.
~ Bern Williams
He
stood beside a cottage lone
And listened to a lute,
One summer's eve, when the breeze was gone,
And the nightingale was mute.
~ Thomas K. Hervey (The Devil's Progress)
That
beautiful season the Summer!
Filled was the air with a dreamy and magical light;
and the landscape
Lay as if new created in all the freshness of childhood.
~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Dirty
hands, iced tea, garden fragrances thick in the air and
a blanket of color before me, who could ask for more?
~ Bev Adams (Mountain Gardening by the
Gardening Gal)
What
is one to say about June, the time of perfect young summer, the fulfillment
of the promise of the earlier months, and with as yet no sign to remind
one that its fresh young beauty will ever fade.
~ Gertrude Jekyll (On Gardening)
Rest
is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass
on a summer day listening to the murmur of water,
or watching the clouds float across the sky,
is hardly a waste of time.
~ John Lubbock
So
fades a summer cloud away;
So sinks the gale when storms are o'er;
So gently shuts the eye of day;
So dies a wave along the shore.
~ Mrs. Barbauld (The Death of the Virtuous)
Summer
makes me drowsy,
Autumn makes me sing,
Winter’s pretty lousy,
but I hate Spring.
~ Dorothy Parker
Summer
makes a silence after spring.
~ Vita Sackville-West
Inebriate
of Air - am I -
And Debauchee of Dew -
Reeling through endless summer days -
From inns of Molten Blue.
~ Emily Dickinson (No. 214, St. 2)
This was one of those perfect New England days in late summer,
where the spirit of autumn takes a first stealing flight, like a spy,
through the ripening country-side, and, with feigned sympathy
for those who droop with August heat,
puts her cool cloak of bracing air about leaf and flower
and human shoulders.
~ Sarah Orne Jewett (The Courting of
Sister Wisby)
But
thy eternal summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;
Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou growest:
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this and this gives life to thee.
~ William Shakespeare (Sonnet XVIII,
- Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?)
I
know I am but summer to your heart,
and not the full four seasons of the year.
~ Edna St. Vincent Millay
Clapping my hands
with the echoes the summer moon
begins to dawn.
~ Basho
The smell of manure, of sun on foliage, of evaporating water,
rose to my head; two steps farther, and I could look down
into the vegetable garden enclosed within its tall pale of
reeds - rich chocolate earth studded emerald green,
frothed with the white of cauliflowers, jeweled with
the purple globes of eggplant and the
scarlet wealth of tomatoes.
~ Doris
Lessing (The Habit
of Loving)
The
trees that have it in their pent-up buds
To darken nature and be summer woods
~ Robert Frost (Summer Woods)
Fairest
of the months! Ripe summer's queen
The hey~day of the year
With robes that gleam with sunny sheen
Sweet August doth appear.
~ R. Combe Miller
Love
is to the heart what the summer is to the farmer's year.
It brings to harvest all the loveliest flowers of the soul.
~ Billy Graham
How
can one help shivering with delight when one's
hot fingers close around the stem of a live flower,
cool from the shade and stiff with newborn vigor!
~ Colette
A
life without love is like a year without summer.
~ Swedish Proverb
T'is
now the summer of your youth. Time has not cropt the roses from
your cheek, though sorrow long has washed them.
~ Edward Moore (The
Gamester, Act 3)
It
is the month of June,
The month of leaves and roses
When pleasant sights salute the eyes,
And pleasant scents the noses.
~ N.P. Willis
A
perfect summer day is when the sun is shining,
the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing,
and the lawn mower is broken.
~ James Dent
A
swarm of bees in May is worth a load of hay.
A swarm of bees in June is worth a silver spoon.
A swarm of bees in July is not worth a fly.
~ An English Rhyme
The
old, wooden shed
Stranded in a sea of wheat,
Waiting for harvest.
~ Daniel Denault
Catch,
then, oh catch the transient hour;
Improve each moment as it flies!
Life's a short summer, man a flower;
He dies ~ alas! how soon he dies!
~ Samuel Johnson. (Winter, An Ode)
Summer
set lip to earth's bosom bare,
And left the flushed print in a poppy there.
~ Francis Thompson
Mosquito
is out,
it's the end of the day;
she's humming and hunting
her evening away.
Who knows why such hunger
arrives on such wings
at sundown? I guess
it's the nature of things.
~ N. M. Boedecker (Midsummer Night Itch)
All
your renown is like the summer flower that
blooms and dies; because the sunny glow which
brings it forth, soon slays with parching power.
~ Dante Alighieri
We
go in withering July
To ply the hard incessant hoe;
Panting beneath the brazen sky
We sweat and grumble, but we go.
~ Ruth Pitter (The Diehards)
To
see the Summer Sky
Is Poetry, though never in a Book it lie -
True Poems flee.
~ Emily Dickinson
Now
is the time of the illuminated woods ...
when every leaf glows like a tiny lamp.
~ J. Burroughs
T'is
the last rose of summer,
Left blooming alone.
~ Thomas Moore (The
Last Rose of Summer)
Summer
is a promissory note signed in June,
its long days spent and gone before you
know it, and due to be repaid next January.
~ Hal Borland
Summer
is the time when one sheds one's tensions with one's
clothes, and the right kind of day is jeweled balm for the battered
spirit. A few of those days and you can become drunk with the
belief that all's right with the world.
~ Ada Louise Huxtable
O
Earth, that hast no voice, confide to me a voice!
O harvest of my lands! O boundless summer growths!
O lavish, brown, parturient earth! O infinite, teeming womb!
A verse to seek, to see, to narrate thee.
~ Walt Whitman
How
sociable the garden was.
We ate and talked in given light.
The children put their toys to grass
All the warm wakeful August night.
~ Thom Gunn (Last Days at Teddington)
Ripening
grapes in the summer sun - reason enough to plod ahead.
Where are the fig blossoms? Exceptions to every rule.
Gardens are demanding pets.
Sunset!! The mosquitoes attack - we retreat.
Also true: A crape myrtle is a crape myrtle is a crape myrtle.
~ Mike Garofalo (Pulling Onions: Quips
and Thoughts of a Gardener)
Warm
summer sun, shine kindly here;
Warm southern wind, blow softly here;
Green sod above, lie light, lie light;
Good night, dear heart, good night, good night.
~ Mark Twain
I
walk without flinching through the burning cathedral of the summer.
My bank of wild grass is majestic and full of music.
It is a fire that solitude presses against my lips.
~ Violette Leduc (Mad
in Pursuit)
Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.
~ Russel Baker
A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing,
the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.
~ James Dent
If a June night could talk, it would probably boast it invented romance.
~ Bern Williams
Summer set lip to earth's bosom bare,
And left the flushed print in a poppy there.
~ Francis Thompson
To see the Summer Sky
Is Poetry, though never in a Book it lie -
True Poems flee.
~ Emily Dickinson
What is one to say about June, the time of perfect young summer,
the fulfillment of the promise of the earlier months,
and with as yet no sign to remind one that its fresh young beauty will ever
fade.
~ Gertrude Jekyll
In winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle-light.
In summer quite the other way
I have to go to bed by day.
~ Robert Louis Stevenson
In June, as many as a dozen species may burst their buds on a single day.
No
man can heed all of these anniversaries; no man can ignore all of them.
~ Aldo Leopold
I question not if thrushes sing,
If roses load the air;
Beyond my heart I need not reach
When all is summer there.
~ John Vance Cheney
Oh, the summer night
Has a smile of light
And she sits on a sapphire throne.
~ Barry Cornwall
In the depth of winter,
I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.
~ Albert Camus
There shall be eternal summer in the grateful heart.
~ Celia Thaxter
The summer night is like a perfection of thought.
~ Wallace Stevens
