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Father's
Day
jokes,
Father's Day
Humor
Father's Day One-Liners
*
My Dad thinks he wears the trousers in our
house, but it's always Mum who tells him which pair to put on!
* I started early teaching my
kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in
gold.
* Do fathers always snore? No
- only when they are asleep!
* One time my kids wanted to surprise me with
a good breakfast in bed on Father's Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.
* If you think about it, Adam
had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father's
Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who's Everything?
* After the church service a
little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some
money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
A
father
passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and
everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on
the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition,
he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear
Dad,
It
is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my
new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been
finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice even with all her piercing,
tattoos and her tight motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad,
she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't
care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the
woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
She
wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing
it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we
want! In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don't
worry Dad. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your
grandchildren.
Your
son,
Benjamin
P.
S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card
that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to
come home.
One
evening, while sitting around the dinner table, a little girl looked up and
asked her father, "Daddy, you're the boss, right?" Her father was
very pleased by this and replied, "Yes." Then, the little girl continued,
"That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"
Top
Ten Things You Will Never Hear A Dad Say :
- Well, what do you know? I'm lost. We'll have to stop and get some directions.
- Well, honey, you are thirteen now. I bet you're ready for un-chaperoned car
dates!
- I like all of your friends' "Up Yours" attitudes.
- Here are the keys to my new car. Oh, take my credit card, too. Have fun!
- Football? You want to play football? What about figure skating, son?
- Mom and I are going away for the weekend. Would you like to throw a party?
- No, I don't actually know what is wrong with your car.
- Son, let's go to the mall and get you an earring.
- You don't need a job! I have plenty of money for you to spend.
- Father's Day? Don't worry about that. It's no big deal!
Junior
had just received his brand new driver's license. To celebrate the special day,
the whole family went out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his first
official drive. Dad went immediately to the back seat, right behind the newly
licensed driver.
"I'll bet you are back there to get a change of scenery, right? After all
these months of sitting up here, teaching me how to drive?" Junior said
to his dad.
"Nope!" said dad. "I'm going to sit back here and kick the back
of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me for sixteen years!"
Why
do golfers take an extra pair of socks?
In case they get a hole in one!
What
do you call two people who embarrass you in front of your friends?
Mum and Dad!
My
Dad thinks he wears the trousers in our house, but it's always Mum who tells
him which pair to put on!
Knock
knock
Who's there?
Canoe
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my homework please Dad - I'm stuck!
Funny
Quotes
To be a successful father, there's
one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.
~ Ernest Hemingway.
The thing to remember about
fathers is... they're men. A girl has to keep it in mind: They are dragon-seekers,
bent on improbable rescues. Scratch any father, you find someone chock-full
of qualms and romantic terrors, believing change is a threat, like your first
shoes with heels on, like your first bicycle...
~ Phyllis McGinley
If the relationship of father
to son could really be reduced to biology, the whole earth would blaze with
the glory of fathers and sons.
~ James Baldwin
My father hated radio and he
could not wait for television to be invented so that he could hate that too.
~ Peter De Vries
Life was a lot simpler when
what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.
~ Robert Orben
Never raise your hand to your
kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
~ Red Buttons
Jokes
Again...
Today
nearly 100 years have elapsed since the first father's Day was celebrated. Fathers
of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have
a few advantages: In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
In
1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it's the size of his minivan.
In
1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success. Today,
it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation
home.
In
1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived. Today,
a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the
video camera.
In
1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons. Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's
clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.
In
1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business. Today, fathers
pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how
to work the computer and set the VCR.
In
1900, a father smoked a pipe.
If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on throat cancer.
In
1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's
time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up,
it's time for baseball practice."
In
1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper
table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at
gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."
In
1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing
in a stream.
Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN
YOU HAVE A MINUTE..
"Daddy,
Daddy, can I have another glass of water please?"
"But I've given you 10 glasses of water already!"
"Yes, but the bedroom is still on fire!"
What
did the father ghost say to the naughty baby ghost?
Spook when you're spooken to!
Why
do golfers take an extra pair of socks?
In case they get a hole in one!
How
many ears did Davy Crockett have?
Three: a left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier! |
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Family
Loop
Many,
many years ago
When I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow,
Pretty as could be.
This
widow had a grown-up daughter
With flowing hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This
made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
Now my daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To
complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My
little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For
if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up-daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's
wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandma too.
If
my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For
now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!
Dead
Sea Gull
A
father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up
to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead
in the sand.
"Daddy,
what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven,"
the dad replied.
The
boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
Poor
Preacher
After
the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going
to give you some money."
"Well,
thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because
my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
Thunderstorm
Company
One
summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small
boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor
in his voice,
"Mommy,
will you sleep with me tonight?"
The
mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I
can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A
long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice:
"The
big sissy."
Going
to DisneyLand
"Hey
Grandpa!, can you make a noise like a frog?"
"I
think I can do that. Why?"
"'Cuz
Dad says when you croak, we're going to Disneyworld"
Letters
Dear
Dad,
$chool
i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all
my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you
can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on
-------------
The Reply:
--------------
Dear Son,
I
kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an
hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task,
and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
Why
Parents Go Gray
The
boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem
with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and
was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling
put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked,
Is your Daddy home?
"Yes",
whispered the small voice.
"May
I talk with him?" the man asked.
To
the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting
to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes",
came the answer.
"May
I talk with her?"
Again
the small voice whispered, "no."
Knowing
that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss
decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching
over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked
the child.
"Yes,"
whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering
what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I
speak with the policeman"?
"No,
he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy
doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking
to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing
concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through
the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A
hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What
is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.
In
an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed
the hello-copper."
Alarmed,
concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are
they there?"
Still
whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"They're looking for me."
Top
ten things you'll never hear a dad say.
10.
Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9.
You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned
car dates. Won't that be fun?
8.
I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.
7.
Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!
6.
What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for
you, son?
5.
Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider
throwing a party.
4.
Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey
thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic
and pay whatever he asks.
3.
No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit
your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2.
Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1.
What do I want for my birthday? Aahh -- don't worry about that. It's no big
deal. (Okay, they might say it. But they don't mean it)
Read
the Label
A
three-year-old boy went with his father to see a litter of kittens. On returning
home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were 2 boy kitties and
2 girl kitties.
"How
do you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy
picked them up and looked underneath," he replied, "I think it's printed
on the bottom."
Dad
Lines
I
figured out why they call our language the "Mother Tongue." Fathers
never get a chance to use much of it.
Say
what you will about healthy eating and all, but I've always found it awfully
difficult to explain to my son (who's 6'4" to my 6' in height), why junk
food is bad for you.
One
time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father's
Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.
If
you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying
his Father a gift for Father's Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who's Everything?
I
started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded
their allowances in gold.
New
and Improved
The
little girl was sitting in her grandfather's lap as he read her a goodnight
story. From time to time, she would take her eye's off the book and reach up
to touch his wrinkled cheek. By and by she was alternately stroking her own
cheek, then his again.
Finally
she spoke, "Granddaddy, did God make you?"
"Yes,
sweetheart" he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh
she said," then "Granddaddy, did God make me too?"
"Yes,
indeed honey" he assured her. "God made you just a little while ago."
"Oh"
she said. Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting
better at it now isn't he?"
Writing
letters to son
The
following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the
story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny :
One
student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.
Didn't
realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following
note:
"Dear
Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger
then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."
Helping
your father
A
clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to
load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You
look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment,
and I'll give you a hand."
"No
thanks," said the young man.
"My
father wouldn't like it."
"Don't
be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone
is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again
the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience,
the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where
I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well,"
replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
Your
father is drunk
To
The Tune Of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
Oh you better not shout, you better not cry,
You better not pout, I'm tellin' you why,
Daddy's home and I think he's drunk.
He's
walkin' real slow, he slurs when he speaks,
I don't even think he's shaved in two weeks,
Daddy's home and boy is he drunk,
He
spent most of our money on Johnny Walker Black
And then he took all of the rest and lost it at the track.
Sooooooo....
You
better not pout, you better not cry,
I don't like that look in his eye,
Daddy's home and I think he's....
Daddy's home and boy is he.......
Daddy's home and he's really drunk!
What
is his occupation?
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
"Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all
day?"
Tim
stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's
wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie
shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank
you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy
proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them,
and drinks."
The
teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that
day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the
door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be
some logical explanation.
Billy's
father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like
that to a seven-year-old?"
Head
goes to the bar
A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the
dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to
the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad
orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons
looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy
takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The
bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs
his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The
bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop!
Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his
son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender
ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new
hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop!
Two legs pop out.
The
bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The
boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right....
right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and
kills him instantly.
The
bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That
boy should have quit while he was a head." |
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A
student's request for extra money
A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some
money, because he was broke.
His
Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left
your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send
that up too?"
"Uhh,
oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid.
So
his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye,
and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back,
Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"
"Oh,
I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000."
"That's
$1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???"
"Don't
worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I
taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere
between the pages in chapter 15!"
Just
cut your hair first
A young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's license and
would like to use the family car."
Father
replies, :"O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school,
keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in
a few months and then we'll see."
Well,
several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card
in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping
my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting
me use the car?"
Father
replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."
Son
says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."
Father
replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he
went."
An
honest lawyer
An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent,
so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house
counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As
I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants,
"in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question."
She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?"
replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why,
I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education
and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive.
And what sort of case was that?"
He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."
Subjects
for a date
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about.
He asks his father for advice.
The
father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These
are food, family, and philosophy."
The
boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front
of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness
builds.
He
remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.
He
asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and
the silence returns.
After
a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion
and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?"
Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.
The
boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the
girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"
Brag
about parents
An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.
"My
dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"
"Yes,"
said the Navy brat.
"My
dad has built them."
Then
the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?"
"Yes."
"It's
my dad who's killed it!"
Child
sent to bed
A small boy is sent to bed by his father...
[Five
minutes later]
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm
thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No.
You had your chance. Lights out."
[Five
minutes later]
"Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm
THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I
told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
[Five
minutes later]
"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When
you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
New
family driver
Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out
to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a
ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind
the newly minted driver.
"I'll
bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting
in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming
boy to his father.
"Nope,"
comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as
you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
A
parent's terrors of life
Dear Mother and Dad,
It
has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing
and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will
bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not
to read any further unless you are sitting down... Okay?
Well,
then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion
I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly
after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the
hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.
Fortunately
the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the
gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the Fire Department
and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere
to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share
his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute.
He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to
get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy
begins to show.
Yes,
Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being
grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love
and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for
the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which
prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught
it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now
taking daily.
I
know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although
not well educated, he is ambtious. Although he is of a different race and religion
than ours, I know you expressed tolerence will not permit you to be bothered
by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you
will love him as I do. His family background is good, too for I am told that
his father is an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from which he
comes.
Now
that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory
fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital,
I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphillis and there is no
boyfriend in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in History and an
"F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper
perspective.
Your
loving daughter,
Dorothy
Marriage
quotes
Married
life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
It
is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
Getting
married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what
you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered
that.
It's
true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!
There
was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married.
A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
A
happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife
takes.
Son:
How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son:
Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife
until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
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